Safeguard your Spouse Sunday: Enjoying Intimacy Part 2

This guest post from Natalie is a follow-up to Part 1 published here and orignally posted on Passionate Homemaking.

You ladies surprised me! I was overwhelmed by the number of comments on my previous post from women who feel they have stronger sexual drives than their husbands. I am sincerely sorry many of you seem to feel alone! Here’s my follow-up, for all you “high-drive” ladies!

I totally agree with many of you, that it’s pretty uncommon to hear about wives who have a stronger drive than their husbands, or who feel sexually unfulfilled. It’s a shame you feel good teachers and books are silent on this topic. It’s a reality, and there’s nothing wrong with speaking frankly about it.

I’d also like to say, without a lot of detail, that I have walked in those shoes, some. I can relate to that situation, although there are many nuances that make each marital relationship so very different from another. I hope that qualifies me enough to write on this!

Desire Factories: Manufactured for God!
Ladies, we’re all desire factories of some sort. Some of us have high emotional needs. Some of us are intellectual, aka brainy. Some prefer hugs. Some love sex! Most of us are a blend of all of them.

No matter what kind of “desire factory” each of us is, we all have the same basic desire: connection. Intimacy. Hear me now: intimacy can be manifested in many different ways, but whether emotional, sexual, physical, or mental, it’s all about connection.

The problem is we’ve all been fooled about who we’re manufacturing for. So many of us look to our husbands, or boyfriends, or whoever. Those desires belong first to God. The ultimate, highest, purest desire produced in you is meant for God. You were made to be fulfilled in him. First. Exclusively.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. (Psalm 73)

Is it wrong to want closeness with your husband, emotional or physical? It depends. Do you need it from him? Do you demand it from him? Do you sometimes feel ashamed because you can hardly do without it?

I hope not. Because frankly ladies, he’s not built to give you perfect connection and intimacy. GOD IS.

God wants your thoughts consumed with him through the day, and as you lay your head down at night. (“There’s nothing on earth I desire besides you God…”)

He wants you looking through (not past or over) your physical and emotional desires, to see your deep soul need to be reconnected to Him. (”My flesh and heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever.")

He wants you obsessed with the perpetual gift he gives you in Jesus, the perfect stand-in to close the intimacy gap between you and Him. You created that gap, and he closes it. (“I have made the Lord God my refuge…”)

He wants you to keep making desires, and send them straight up to him. He won’t miss one. Neither will you.

Don’t Be A Drip
If your husband is being forced to field desire after desire from you (which were meant first for God) he has three options:

1. Check out. He knows he can’t do it. So he won’t even try.
2. Try, and resent you. He will grow angry with you for the excessive burdens you place on him.
3. Love you by correcting you and making sure his desires are first met in God.

No matter what he does, you won’t be happy with any of those choices will you? If you direct all your desires toward your husband, you basically want him to be perfect…like God!

He won’t be happy…and you won’t be happy. Your only course of action toward an “underperforming” husband is to tell him so….over and over, till it changes. A wife could nag about anything…even sex!

Poor guy! Don’t be like the lady in this verse: “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike.” (Prov. 27:15) What a drip!

God’s Not a Vending Machine
So maybe you’re thinking, as I sometimes do, “Maybe if I grow that close to God, my marriage will be more satisfying.”

Here’s what I tell myself: “No, No, NO!” That’s all wrong.

Perhaps as you become a freer, happier, more peaceful and contented person, it will bring good things to bear on your marriage.

Maybe not. The question is, will God still and always be “the strength of your heart and your portion forever?” Will you trust that whatever your marriage situation, you can rest and be satisfied with whatever comes from his hand? Is Jesus Christ a symbol and signpost to you of God’s good plan for you in every area of your life?

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? (Romans 8:32)

Can you even trust him with your sexual satisfaction, at least the part beyond your control? It’s in his hands, and he “graciously gives us all things!” Whatever you have, it’s good, because it’s from God.

Let’s Get Practical
I’m going to refrain from any practical tips here, because there could be so many different circumstances. I thought it most important here to address the posture of our hearts, and trust that God will help each lady personally “flesh” it out. (NO pun intended!)

That said, ladies...once we’ve explored and submitted our hearts to God, there’s always more we can learn and do to improve, as long as we’re not striving after an idol of sorts. So don’t obsess about having a perfect sex life, but by all means, let’s discuss/comment and help each other out.

Safeguard your Spouse Sunday: Enjoying Intimacy

This article was written by Natalie and posted here on Passionate Homemaking. It's a topic about which RWAV ladies have shown concern and been very responsive so we appreciate Natalie sharing via PH!


Imagine for a moment: one night, you sit down on the couch next to your husband, put your feet up to relax, and start talking. You’ve been waiting all day to tell him what’s on your mind.

He turns to you, rolls his eyes a little, and grumbles, “Well, honey, it’s my joooob to listen to you jabber about your day, the kids, and what you made for dinner, so (sigh…) go ahead. But keep it short.”

(Tension in the air.)

This imaginary story hardly begs an explanation! Let’s draw it out anyways.

Duty vs. Desire
We wives can never be satisfied with less than being enjoyed, loved, and adored. Especially when it involves romantic, mushy-gushy things like…talking. A dutifully-listening husband would just not cut it.

OK. Now, time to flip it around.

Don’t our husbands want the same kind of treatment from us? They want us to enjoy, love, cherish, desire, and delight in them! Especially when it involves romantic, mushy-gushy things like…well, you know what they love! I think we all know how important intimacy is to our husbands. The real question is, how can a wife rise above duty (merely being “available” for, or present during, intimate times), to really love and adore her husband? Let’s put ourselves in our husbands’ shoes, and think it through.

A husband wants his wife to honor him by being delightfully interested in spending intimate time together! What does that mean? A wife shows genuine interest when she pursues not only his, but also her own enjoyment.

(Crickets.)

Some wives might say that’s not selfless or truly loving. Let’s go a step further and work through it.

This is the part that really rocks my socks: that pursuing my enjoyment in intimacy with my husband is good, because my marriage should reflect the Christian’s pursuit of delight in God!

 Whoa. Unpacking time.

Delight in God
John Piper says the way we glorify God is by enjoying him. It’s not complicated. If I love God…think he’s wonderful, awesome, and amazing, doesn’t that say something about him? Doesn’t that show him honor?

Here are some of my fave scriptures that tell how we should be absolutely tickled at God…and that we get to be with him:

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. (Psalm 16:11)


My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the LORD; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God. (Psalm 84:2)

Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. (Psalm 73:25)

Oh, to be enraptured with God, to derive our greatest pleasure and happiness from him!

Delight in Your Husband
Likewise, in marriage, if you were absolutely delighted by being with your husband, wouldn’t that honor him for all that he is?

Don’t you, deep down, want to be caught up in delight and pleasure with your husband?

Every woman dreams of that. But when your husband is less than loving …when he hardly inspires delight and adoration…when you have no extra love to overflow…

God answers our womanly dream. He is the perfect inspiration of delight to our feminine hearts.

You shall no more be termed Forsaken,
and your land shall no more be termed Desolate,
but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her,
and your land Married;
for the LORD delights in you,
and your land shall be married.
For as a young man marries a young woman,
so shall your sons marry you,
and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
so shall your God rejoice over you.
Isaiah 62:4-5

Give of that overflow, to your husband…and love it!

Some Practical Tips
- Pray that you will love marital intimacy.

Do this first. You cannot have real love and delight for your husband unless God places it in you.

- Meditate on Bible passages that describe God’s love and delight in you. (See my favorites above)

Allow God to heal your soul from believing you’re not loved, pursued, or don’t deserve to enjoy your marriage. You don’t, but Christ bought it for you. Use scripture to tell your soul to receive it.

- Take responsibility for your role.

If you have a passive attitude about intimacy, and you think it’s your husband’s job to make it fun for you, sorry. You get out what you put in.

- If you’re not “there yet”, don’t give up.

Discouragement can be your worst enemy. Don’t create self-fulfilling prophecies in your head. “Well, it’s never been all that great up till now…” Hope. Learn. Keep trying. Relax. It’s not supposed to be that difficult!

- Talk honestly with a trusted older married lady friend.

- Know your body.

It’s not magic! Learn about your physical makeup and what “tends” to work.

- Read books. In this order, I like:

A Celebration of Sex: A Guide to Enjoying God’s Gift of Sexual Intimacy, Dr. Douglas Rosenau

Intended for Pleasure, Ed and Gaye Wheat

The Act of Marriage, Tim LaHaye

- Establish traditions and routines.

- Break traditions and routines! (Sometimes.)
Keep it varied and FUN.

- Pray again that you will love marital intimacy.

You might feel you’ve tried everything. Ask God to help you understand yourself. “He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you.” (Isaiah 30:19)

What will you do to improve on/continue to show your delight in your husband?

First Kiss!

This weekend, I witnessed something absolutely spectacular.

My family drove from Atlanta to Rockford, Illinois to see my sweet cousin Bridget get married. The week leading up to the wedding was a whirlwind. Parties, rehearsals, eating, laughing, decorating, cutting up fruit, putting together flower bouquets, you name it. My little boy, Wesley, was one of the ring bearers. He and my nephew walked down the aisle ringing actual bells! Being so busy, I didn't prepare myself for what I was about to see...

Once Wesley and Evan made it down the aisle without any major catastrophes, I had them sit down next to me, and I took a deep breath, for the first time in days. And, then, I watched. I watched as my sweet little cousin walked down the aisle. She was radiant. Her eyes were fixed on Jeremy. I became completely wrapped up in the moment. Everything else around me just faded into the background as I listened to them read each other their vows. Then, the part everyone always looks forward to...the KISS! Well...

Bridget and her fiance, Jeremy, had saved their first kiss for their WEDDING DAY! I mean, this is unheard of! Knowing this, I sat on the edge of my seat, waiting for those words..."You may now kiss the bride!" I even felt myself taking a deep breath for her. It was as if, for just a moment, all of time stood still. I took this picture by the way...the lighting behind them makes them look like they have angel wings.

I'm so proud of this couple. Their first priority was to honor God with their relationship. They are an incredible example. I couldn't help but think, it's only going to get more and more difficult for our children to value purity.

1 Timothy 4:12 Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but be an example for other believers in your speech, behavior, love, faithfulness, and purity.

I love that this verse uses the word purity and not virginity. Virginity is a given here. But to be pure, to be able to stand before your family and God and present yourself PURE to your partner in speech, love, and faithfulness...what a treasure.
Way to go Bridge and Jeremy! I'm so proud of you both. And, Jeremy, thanks for giving me hope that my boys can do the same thing some day!!!

Just for kicks...this is my little Wesley. Before walking down the aisle:and after:

Get Some Hanky Panky!

A few months ago, I received a birthday present in the mail from my sister-in-law. What was inside the packaging surprised me: 2 pretty thongs. First of all, let me say that I have never been a thong person. I tried them here and there--especially during my newlywed days--but they just never were "me". I always felt uncomfortable, unflattering and I felt a little exposed and fat in them! Well, the note accompanying my birthday gift instructed me to give them a try because they were my sister-in-law's favorite panties and she loved getting other girls to try them. Well, I gave them a try and I am now hooked!!

These thongs are made by Hanky Panky and they are one size fits all, so they conform to your body shape. They're not tight, itchy, or make you feel like you can't wait to get them off at night--they're the perfect fit! I've worked out in them, too, and they held up great. They are also very flattering to the figure and, of course, they don't leave the dreaded panty line. Let me also say that these panties make me feel like I am wearing nothing. In fact, my husband went to Nordstrom's last weekend to purchase my Mother's Day gift. He asked the sales associate that his wife likes "these panties that feel like you're wearing nothing". Without hesitating, she took him right to the Hanky Panky table and let him choose the colors he wanted, and by the way, they come in every color imaginable.

This brings me to the point of where you can buy these things. I know that they are sold at Nordstrom for about $18 a pair. My sister-in-law also says they're sold at Nordstrom Rack for about half of that. I even found two pairs on Ebay (brand new with tag, of course!), which were even cheaper! Trust me, once you try a pair, you will want to trade out your entire underwear drawer for some pretty, lacey thongs:)

Safeguard Your Spouse Sunday~Marital Advice

photo by The Light Photography

Want some unsolicited marital advice? Well, you have come to the right place! haha! Please don't misunderstand--I have only been married for four years (almost five), so we are still in the infant/toddler stages of marriage. And I certainly don't pretend to have all the answers. I am not a licensed counselor, either. BUT ... over the years I have received some great advice from folks, and I wanted to share--and to hear from you on any great marriage tips that you may have.

Here we go ... in no particular order ...

• Keep your husband happy. I'll start with one that always makes me smile ... if not turn red! LOL! It's from a former co-worker who is older and wiser. This is what she says, ladies: "If you keep your husband happy in the bedroom, he'll be happy in all the other rooms in the house!" I'll leave it at that!
• Forsaking all others. Many of us used this phrase in our wedding vows, but did we truly understand what we were saying? What does it mean to forsake all others? To me, it means that our spouses should come second only to Christ. That means that our spouses come before our parents, our siblings, our friends--and yes, even our children. That one may be a surprise, but it's true. Our children are a product of our love for our spouses--and one day, our children will be grown up and out of the house, which will be occupied with just us and our husbands. So our relationships with our DHs should come first, and vice versa (in case there are any men reading this). I was reminded by a quote I saw in a friend's photobook recently that went something like this: "The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." One other thing that comes to mind when I think of "forsaking all others": the women on the Titanic who refused to get into lifeboats because they did not want to leave their husbands. Perhaps they did not understand the gravity of the situation, but it's just something that comes to mind.
  
• Ask for and be free with forgiveness. Some of the most important words in any relationship, in my opinion, are "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?" And "I forgive you." Of course, "I love you" is way up there, too, but seeking and granting forgiveness is so important.
• Ladies, respect your husbands. During our premarital counseling--which I highly recommend, by the way--we learned that men need to feel respected, and women need to feel loved. Do you respect your husband? How do you speak to him? I have to be careful on this one--in my tone of voice and how I word things, especially when I am stressed out. What can I do to make my husband feel respected in our home and when we are out? I try to be aware of this and try not to question him in front of others. I think showing respect means different things to different people.
  
• Men, love your wives. Here's one for the men, and it comes straight from God's word: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). Many times, women get stuck on the Scripture about wives submitting to their husbands. But we mustn't overlook what husbands are called to do: to love their wives as Christ loved the church. And ... gave Himself up for her. What a sacrifice. That is a hard assignment, men. Are you living up to it?
  
• Get counseling if you need it. This is a bit of advice that was shared with us as newlyweds. There is NO SHAME in seeking professional help with the most important relationship you have next to your relationship with Christ. If your spouse refuses to go, then go alone.
  
• Keep Christ at the center of your marriage. I am not going to lie--this one takes work. Pray together. Worship together. Talk about the sermon. Study the Bible together. Or if you can't both go to Bible study, maybe one of you can go and then discuss the lesson with your spouse. As the Bible says in Ephesians 4:12, "a cord of three strands is not quickly broken." The three strands--you, your spouse, and Christ.
  
• Seek God's wisdom. Speaking of the Bible--there is some great marital advice to be found there.
  
• Learn your spouse's love language--and speak it. See http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/.
  
• Pray for each other. I recommend the book The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian.
• Guard your heart. Protect and defend and fight for your marriage. As Johnny Cash might say, walk the line! Don't put yourself in a situation that might even look questionable. Watch how you dress and act. Don't share intimate details with people of the opposite sex. I'm sure you know that many affairs start off as friendships ... as affairs of the heart. I'm not saying you can't be friends with people of the opposite sex, but there is a line that is not to be crossed. There are ministers who refuse to be alone with a woman unless it is his wife. What a great policy. Inconvenient? Yes. Worth it? Absolutely.
  

So there you have it. What is your marital advice? I am all for receiving some good tips on improving my marriage. I'd love to hear yours!

Safeguard Your Spouse Sunday: Betrayal

We've decided to make Sunday's feature on the topic of spouses...loving them, submitting to them, forgiving them, honoring them...SAFEGUARDing them. You name it. We'll cover it.

But why "safeguard?" Let's just take a quick look at Webster for the definition:

1. One who, or that which, defends or protects; defense; protection.

2. A precautionary measure warding off impending danger or damage or injury.

3. An escort providing safe passage through a region especially in time of war.

4. Something that offers security from danger

If you're reading this, chances are you desire (hopefully) all of the above definitions in relation to your marriage but we'll save the "how" for....

...your feature contributor, Annie! If you didn't meet Annie on our introduction of the Women of RWAV, you can learn more about her and her heart for your marriages here. It won't take long before you'll love her to pieces and want to "sop her up with a biscuit." :) Have at it, Annie girl!
****************************************
Hi ladies!!!

I know we want to keep things upbeat here but but I am going to "cut to the chase." I keep being faced with people going through marital discord and adultry

March 2006, October 2008 and January 2009 were the three hardest moments of my life.

Three couples who are dear to my heart began the struggle of recovering from a betrayal of their spouse. Two men and one woman chose to look outside their marriages to find love and fulfillment.

I wasn't the spouse but the betrayal affected every part of my life and my soul. If you have experienced this type of betrayal or been the one to betray you know the gut wrenching pain I am talking about. Questions raced through my mind.

Who can I talk to?
How will they survive?
Divorce is not an option, there are precious children, grandchildren involved!

Who do we call?

Who can fix this?
Why? Why? Why!!

I really don't want to be apart of this ministry but feel called to SHOUT from the rooftop that there is hope. Reconciliation is possible and a marriage can survive.

If you can relate to any of the above, there is a ministry called Affair Recovery Center that is a great starting point. They provide great information and resources for anyone facing betrayal from a spouse (including pornography, destructive behaviors, or even inappropriate friendships outside of marriage). On this site you will find:

-31 reasons for anyone entangled in adultery to STOP an affair. (click here)
-A free affair analysis (click here)
-Online recovery groups (click here)
-Many other great tools.

God is the only one who can heal such pain. Forgiveness does not happen with one statement of "I forgive you". I thought that was how this worked...forgive and move forward. Honestly, it takes a long time and many highs and lows to find peace within the relationship. I am no expert but I have seen amazing things happen through this ministry and Rick Reynold's counseling center.

It is a lonely, dark place when a woman or man finds themselves betrayed by their spouse. It can also be a dark place for the betrayer because the sin is entangling their life.

For God, who said, "Light shall shine out of darkness," is the One who has shone in our hearts to give the Light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. 2 Corinthians 4:6

Our God who spoke light into the world at the beginning of earthly time has the power to overcome whatever hurt you may have today.

Feel free to email Annie at roofwithaview@gmail.com.

Blessings to all my sisters.
xoxo
Annie

Thrifty Thursday: Spice it up for your Valentine on a DIME!

Angela posted these creative, affordable ideas two years ago and it has been one of our most popular postst to date so we figured it deserves a re-post!

*Just a little disclaimer about this post: God designed sex for married couples. I believe that is a sacred bond that should only be shared between those two people. This is to encourage you to "rev" up your sex life, in a Christ honoring way. What is shared between you and your spouse is sacred. But, let's come out of our shells a little, shall we?

Valentine's Day is just a few days away! I really wanted to spice things up this year. However, when I started shopping, I realized the things I liked were very pricey. With the state of our economy, it's hard to celebrate anything without going broke. So, I decided to do a little bargain shopping. Whatever state you live in, you have a Wal-mart. I found some FABULOUS things to spice up Valentine's day without spending too much money. In fact, you could go all out for $25 or less!
These little rose petals - $2.50. Use these to sprinkle on top of a bubble bath. Or, make a little romantic trail to the bedroom. The possibilities are endless.These are roses from WAL-MART! Most bouquets will sell for $9.99. So, if you'd rather have real rose petals, you could go this route. Also, they smell divine.So, you don't have to spend a ton of money on high priced lingerie. I found this red tie in the men's department for $6.98 and the undies are $3.98. GREAT DEAL! And, you can give the tie to your hubby...after. :) It could be an inside joke between the two of you whenever he wears it out. If you could've only seen the looks on people's faces as I was in Wal-Mart, arranging this little number on the floor, and then taking a picture. I was as red as the tie! Both of these together were $12.00! And, they look a lot like the newest Victoria's Secret line. If you're a little more into sporty, casual and comfy, this outfit is right up your alley! Only $5 each! Boost your confidence by giving yourself a good scrub! This body wash by Caress is a luxurious exfoliant. And, better yet, it's sold in "Equate" brand for almost $1.00 less! These little scrunchy loofas are in the travel section for 50 cents.Heart-shaped bath fizzies for 97 CENTS! Noxema carries a great bikini line razor. They're very small, so it's easy to get those "harder to reach" places. And for $1.97, you just can't BEAT that! Minty fresh breath is ALWAYS a good idea. Grab a bottle of SCOPE from the travel section for 50 cents and put it in your side table drawer.Betty Crocker cupcake icing. $2.98. Comes with little decorative tips. Use your imagination on this one. Candles, candles EVERYWHERE! At just $2.25 per bag, you could literally fill your home with tea light candles. And, they're in a safe little container, so you wouldn't need a candle holder.After all my shopping, I came across these. $40 for a stuffed bear with a heart. 0 points for creativity and 0 points for thriftiness! So compare all you could get for $25.00 instead of a $40.00 stuffed bear!

Have fun this Valentine's Day! But don't let it end there. I pray that God would ignite a spark in your marriages and you would truly enjoy this wonderful gift He has given you!

If you have any creative ideas, comment to us and let us know!